Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Suiting Up

A few months ago my agent called to inform me that she had set up an appointment with a photographer to have some new author photos taken.  (Don't I sound like one of those boorish Hollywood imps saying it this way?  Lord, the next thing you know, I'll be telling you my agent has sold one of my scripts to MGM.)

She also asked me to send along a cell phone photo of three of my suits--so the photographer could make the selection.  (See photo above/left of three off-the-rack suits--all include pants, too.)

Now, I must say, sending this photo on my cell phone was a chore.  I would never be able to send a "sext" message or photo to anyone--not even Becky--as I don't know how it's done.  I did manage to snap the photo (see how clear and detailed this sucker is?) and, after pressing a multitude of buttons on my phone (probably resulting in two inadvertent pizza orders and purchasing a new tone ring) I somehow managed to send this photo along to the aforementioned photographer.

Naturally, this wasn't looking too good.

"What color are those suits, anyway?" was the text message that came back from the photog.

I tried to sound J. Crewish or J. Petermanish in my response:

A light gray Armani suit with tapered waist for the man about town or just some jerk who likes to drink coffee, size 46 chest, but snug fit in all the places where the author has developed excess fat. 

A charcoal suit with white pinstripe, cut vest pocket for the man who carries a hanky and blows green snot out of his nose like a weasel, pants-size 36 waist, long, but still roomy enough for his boys to breath.

Khaki Italian suit made by some manufacturer with an unpronounceable accent, size 46, indicating that this guy isn't getting any bigger in any of the places that matter and may actually be shrinking to fit this beautiful wool blend.  Perfect for his burial or a night on the town if his wife still thinks he has some life left in him.  A devil-may-care kind of suit with accents of old-school love.

I'm glad I could write crap like this about these suits.  The photos turned out great, by the way. 

1 comment:

Aaron Helman said...

Todd, if your use of the phrase "tone ring" was intentional, then it was hilarious.

If it was unintentional, then it was even more hilarious.

Merry Christmas!