Friday, December 21, 2012

Christmas Gifts from the Author

Now that I have established that at least one bookseller has valued my autograph at more than $130, I believe that I have other valuable artifacts lying around the house that would make excellent Christmas presents . . . especially for those hard-to-please relatives who enjoy weird, literary finds.  Toward that end, let me provide an inventory of some items I am willing to part with . . . for a price.

25-watt Writing Bulb
An incredible find, and one of those historical artifacts used by great literary lights (did you catch the pun?).  The author is willing to part with this bulb for $9.95, which would enable him to purchase a 6-bulb pack of those long-lasting screwy-looking things that save energy.  This classic bulb, however, has lasted several years and has contributed greatly to the author's near-sightedness and his ability to make love in the dark.  Purchase also includes two of his wife's love letters written back in 2001--which was the last year they actually did anything that produced sweat.

Post-It Note of Deadlines
This four-year-old Post-It Note contains the author's various deadlines (dates) for his columns, articles and books.  Bring it home for $1.78 and impress your friends.  Great conversation starter, and you'll spend the rest of your life wondering what happened with that unpublished book proposal from February 2010.  Still some sticky residue on the back, so you could attach it to your refrigerator next to the photo of Don Knotts.

Floppy Disc of Flops
An incredible buy at only $5.99.  This fully-functional floppy is chocked full of writing projects that went nowhere!  On it you'll find colossal flops like the essays, "How to Grow Man Boobs With Vinegar" and "Ten Things Jesus Told My Mother Last Friday".  You'll also enjoy loser classics like "How to Milk a Scorpion" and the unpublished book proposal:  How to Smelt Your Wife's Jewelry Without Her Knowing About It and Turn Her Treasure Into Cash.  This disc also contains over 500 unpublished poems . . . all of them about the family cat that is now buried in the front yard of the author's residence.  You'll enjoy this disc for hours and read it over-and-over.

Author's Coffee Mug
Bring home some author DNA with this classic hand-kilned mug, washed last in March of 2012.  Think of it:  you'll be fingering the same coffee stains used by the author himself and, if you like, you could drink Ocean Spray Cranapple juice out of it.  A Christmas Classic for only $9.99. 

As you can see, I have many wonderful gift ideas.  Please call if you have questions, or write a comment in the box below.  Writing your comments will help make this blog more successful and will give the author the mistaken idea that people are actually reading it.  Visa and Mastercard also accepted. 

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