Monday, December 3, 2012

My Collected Letters

In the past few months there has been a spate of epistolary books celebrating the Collected Letters of various personalities.   Among them:  Thomas Hardy, John Lennon, Erasmus Darwin, William Styron, and Kurt Vonnegut.  A rather eclectic company . . . wouldn't you say?

Of course, with the advent of email, twitter and all manner of electronic correspondence, only God knows what a Collected Letters anthology would look like for future generations.  Emails and twitters are out there . . . they exist most certainly along with their paper and ink counterparts . . . but something tells me our current literary lights and world leaders are going to be hard pressed to contribute their letters to future generations.  

Nevertheless, I want to do my part.  I still write paper and ink letters.  And I keep files of these on hand so that, some day, my progeny will be able to sell these to a publisher for top dollar.  But in order to create some stir and demand for these letters after I'm dead, I thought I could offer these samples while I'm still alive.

September 12, 2012
Bursar's Office 
Vincennes University

To Whom It May Concern:
Please find enclosed my last two months wages as payment for my son's room/board and tuition for the fall semester, 2012.  I will begin saving now to send another two months wages for the spring semester, provided my son doesn't flunk out or overdose on Swedish meatballs in the dining hall.  I do plan on visiting the campus some time this Fall, and if you happen to have any odd jobs that I could do, or if I could pick up a few hours at minimum wage doing some lawn care while I'm visiting, perhaps we could apply my wages to the tuition or make some other arrangement for payment.  I also happen to have several boxes of junk that I was going to place in a garage sale next Saturday, but I would prefer to sell these items around campus.  Thanks for considering . . . .
Your humble servant,

October 19, 2012
Dear Becky,
It has come to my attention that we have not been amorous for some weeks now, and according to the bar graph I keep under our bed (it's the posterboard display with full-color crayola work), we are due for a tuneup.  Please schedule an appointment soon and bring any coupons at the time of service.  These will be applied to the annual tally and entered into the bar graph along with a next appointment and sticker (which you can affix to your purse).  Thank you for your consideration.  I hope to hear from you soon . . . please call me toll free.  And I thank you in advance for your business.
Kiss kiss, hug hug,

November 23, 2012
Dear Brownsburg Postmaster:
It has come to my attention that I have not received mail delivery for the past three days--due in large part to the fact that some idiot can't drive and creamed my mailbox.  I am currently in the process of fixing the mailbox, but thought you might also keep your eyes peeled for the following pieces of mail, which are essential to my well-being:
* A mail-order prescription which, if not received by tomorrow, causes me to die a horrible and painful death.
* The latest issue of Sports Illustrated
* Several inordinately large bills from a University which I must pay immediately
* Shampoo sample
Thank you for your attention to these matters of life and death.
Yours in Special Delivery,

December 1, 2012
Dear Becky,
Sorry about the confusion over dinner last night.  I thought you were going to pick up Arby's, and that's why I didn't go to Wendy's.  If I'd have known you were going to work late, I would have stopped at Hardee's and purchased one of those humongous five-dollar burgers with the three strips of bacon.  But as it turned out, that's why I went to McDonald's and asked about the Shamrock Shake (which is, of course, out of season).  I hope this explains why I brought home a sack of sliders and why we are both ill today.  Please forgive this oversight and I hope my stupidity won't in any way taint your plans to engage in amorous activity in the first quarter of 2013.  Please send me a text so I'll know you found this letter taped to the toilet seat along with the twenty dollar bill. (No need to thank me for putting the toilet seat down . . . I'm just that conscientious.)  
Yours truly,


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