Friday, June 1, 2012

Siskel to My Ebert

Yesterday I received my first assignment as a movie reviewer.  My mission, should I decide to accept it, is to view the movie, write about it, deliver it whole to the editor, and then wait on my check to arrive. 

I can handle that.

But I rarely go to movies these days.  Call me weird, but when I watch a movie I am most interested in the credits (who directed, produced, and adapted the movie, etc.).  I am insanely interested in the script (whether original or adapted from a novel) and I make a game out of trying to guess who wrote the screenplay based on the dialogue, the style, the pace, and the themes.  In more recent years I have been able to identify some of these screen writers before the credits roll.

I'm not sure why I was given this assignment to review a movie.  I guess the editor thought I could handle it, though I am not a film critic by any stretch.  I'm going to have to practice writing the review, too . . . it's all so new to me.  But I like new.  I adore new challenges.

So, here's my practice round for your approval.  I hope I get another assignment.

My Practice Review
     This reviewer has not seen the movie yet, but he did order a large buttered popcorn for practice and ate the whole tub while standing on one foot in the lobby.  He consumed all $8.00 worth of the product in five minutes but ran out of cash and could not purchase a $5.00 small soda.  Going into the theatre he had money for a ticket, but with the purchase of the popcorn he will have to watch the movie another time.
     He does, however, have some idea what this movie is about from studying the movie poster.  It looks to be good.  The camera man probably changed his lenses before shooting began (the images look clear), and the actors look fresh and highly-paid.  Most of these actors don't look like they eat buttered popcorn, but probably subsist on low-calorie sushi and sage advice from personal trainers.  In essence, they look good.
     The movie poster looked good.  It should help attract customers.  The script on the movie poster looked good, too.  Everything looked good to me.  It should be a good movie when I get around to watching it.  And I hope I write a good review.
     I plan to wear my 3-D glasses when I see this movie.  Though the movie was not shot in 3-D, I like to look cool when I watch a movie, especially if my wife is not with me and there are younger women in the lobby eating buttered popcorn.  I often wear my 3-D glasses to bed at night so that my wife looks better, too.  Everything looks better in 3-D . . . almost like I am actually there in the bed, and when my wife tells me I look like a nerd, it seems so real I think she is actually talking to me, even though her voice sounds like it is in Dolby Surround-Sound.
     I plan to save enough money so I can see this movie next week, and I won't buy popcorn this time.  I won't study the movie poster either, I'll head straight for my seat and pull a Snickers bar out of my pocket when the opening credits start to roll. I will also make notes on a small slip of paper as I watch the movie, or write on the back of the seat in front of me with a felt-tipped marker.  When the lights come up at the end credits, I will write the review immediately so it will all be fresh in my mind.
     Not like the popcorn.  And I'll buy a soda afterwards.

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