Nuts & Bolts

Someday I hope to attend an annual event in Hawaii.  It's called, The Maui Writer's Conference, and consists of a gathering of writers and presenters who, under the guise of education, attend workshops on the beach while eating loads of pork and pineapple.  The next time I have four thousand dollars in spending cash, I'm booking my flight and packing my thong (gotta buy one first).

Taking a writer's workshop in Maui is a bit like booking a marital workshop on a cruise ship and calling it a marriage retreat.  There's more flesh than fodder, and there's a good chance the "big name" writers who grace this event will be speaking briefly so they can hit the beaches.

Some of these workshops in Maui have titles like:  "Writing the Memoir" or "Strategies for Book Marketing" or "Approaches to the Best-selling Novel."

Naturally, if I do get invited to be a presenter at The Maui Writer's Conference, I'd have all of my expenses covered and could eat all the pork I could hold.  I might also take my wife along for an event like this, but could obviously ditch her at the hotel if there were other babes in the vicinity.  (I'd fly home solo, but that's a chance every writer takes.)

As for what type of workshop I could offer, I think my areas of expertise could be:
"Writing a Bunch of Books that Never Sell and How to Feel Good About Yourself in Spite of It"
"Ten Poetry Styles That Will Make Your Wife Swoon"
"Where to Find Remaindered Copies of Your Own Out-of-Print Titles and How to Know if You've Paid Too Much For 'Em"

Let me know if anyone else wants to attend this conference with me at the helm. We'll car pool to the airport and share parking fees.