Writing Christmas Cards

Of all the material I feel compelled to write every year, Christmas cards are the worst. What do I say to people who are on our family mailing "list", but I haven't seen in twenty-five years? How about all the cretins, all the parents out there whose children are much more intelligent than my own? Do I weave together a Christmas greeting revamping a year filled with space exploration, vacations in the Alps, etc., or do I just tell the uninspiring truth about how boring and incredibly average our family really is?

I finished writing my cards yesterday and told my wife, "Got 'er done!"
"What did you write?" she wanted to know.
"The truth," I said. She looked worried.

I can't wait for her parents to get my card. When they do, they are going to realize (at last) that I saved their daughter from a horrible life, that they are lucky to have a son-in-law like me who has impacted the world of molecular physics, who knows how to roast a turkey, and regularly changes his socks. They are going to realize how important their grand-children are and that my kids have broken all of the school records and have really taken after their old man, who is, after all, a real winner!

Merry Christmas!