Thanks, Mom

True story.
Earlier this year I received an unexpected package in the mail. When I opened it, I was surprised to discover that the publisher had sent me some copies of my book, The Best Things in Life Are Free, but in a Spanish edition. The book was being published in Brazil (South America) under the title As melhores coisas da vida sao de graca (which translates, I guess, to The Best Things, etc.). Naturally, I was a bit elated.

I placed one of the books on the coffee table and made sure I was home when my kids arrived from school. I show the book to my daughter, she looks at it and says, "Nice, Dad. Can I have twenty bucks for gas?" My son looks at it and says, "It looks idiotic." (Implying, of course, that I'm an idiot, too.) When Becky comes home from work, she looks at the book and says, "Wonderful honey...how come you didn't clean the kitchen?"

So I call my mother--the only women who understands me and loves me unconditionally.
"Mom, I just received word that one of my books is being published in Brazil. That's South America. Isn't that great?"
"I hear they still cut the thumbs off of theives in that country. You aren't planning on signing any books down there are you?"
"No, Mom, listen..."
"But if you're going to be doing any travelling, you'll need clean socks. I hear Goodies has a sale next week."
"No, Mom, I've got socks--"
"--I'll buy you a couple of packs of underwear, too. You can never have too many."
"Mom, listen. About my book--"
"--Are you eating enough vegetables?"
"Mom, listen...I've got to go. Someone died and I have to do a funeral."
"That's nice, dear. Preach a good one!"
"Goodbye, Mom. I love you."