Thursday, November 29, 2012

Writing on Vitamins

Over the years I've learned the importance of taking vitamins for strong bones and body . . . and writing itself requires a certain amount of stamina and conditioning.  It is difficult to sit for hours in a chair (or reclining on the sofa) without developing back strain or becoming a pain in the butt.  Hence the importance of working out in the gym (try deadlifts) and taking plenty of vitamins.

But naturally, you have questions, and I'll do my best to provide answers.

What is your favorite vitamin and how do you take it?
My favorite vitamin is C, which is also the tastiest, and in my younger years I preferred suppositories.  However, my wife grew tired of giving these to me, so I've switched to pill form.  I prefer 4000 milligrams a day, which can cure anything from the common cold to pink eye, and I feel that Vitamin C is very manly and gives a nice ring to my voice.  My vision is also improved, which means I can see type this small, and I really enjoy chewing the head off of Fred Flintsone. 

How do vitamins improve your writing?
Actually, they don't.  Not directly.  I find that a dictionary and thesaurus do a lot more for me . . . and coffee.  Vitamins, however, do provide a colorful display on the kitchen countertop and give my wife something to complain about.  I write about her complaints and turn them into marvelous stories, essays and poems about older women.  

If you only had one day to live, which vitamin would you take . . . and why?
Let me see . . . I'd pop a very large Vitamin B-12 pill, something around One Million milligrams, which could probably revive a sperm whale.  This would give me at least another day to live, and I would plan to write an essay entitled, "Long Range Financial Planning . . . and How to Get the Most From Your 401-k".  I might also eat a steak.  

How many vitamins would you estimate you take in an average day?
There's no telling.  I never keep count.  I see a pill, I pop it.  I never ask questions, and some of these vitamins I find on the floor or under the driver's mat in my Senoma.  I never waste pills.  The way I figure it, there's nutrition in every pill, even the chocolate ones, and I especially like the vitamins marked "Hershey".  

Any closing vitamin recommendations for someone who is trying to write a book on Yugoslavian Engine Blocks?
Yes.  Take plenty of vitamin E . . . and write as quickly as possible.  Don't stop writing until someone sends you a Twitter inviting you join their LinkedIn prison-writing fellowship.        

No comments: