Monday, November 12, 2012

Columns of Possibility

In 2012 I've expanded my regular writing schedule to include irregular (and some might say irreverent) columns for several publications.  Now that I have these regular gigs, however, I am always on the lookout for new themes and ideas.  I find that I must remain vigilant if I am to fill these columns with decent material.

Still . . . writing other columns would be fun and rewarding, and I've been thining about a few for 2013 that I might try to sell.

The Designated Driver
     This column would be about what a designated driver drinks.  While his buddies are having a bourbon on the rocks, for example, he's drinking fresh-sqeezed lime juice or a Fresca.  This column would explore the wonderful and refreshing world of non-alcolholic drinks and the bartenders who give it to 'em.  The column could also explore the many and varied looks that the designated driver gets from Harley Davidson riders and from beautiful women who can't understand why any man would drink Tab with a twist of lemon.  In short, this column will be about those unsung heroes who know how to work a manual transmission with three drunks in the back seat.

God Talk
     This column will serve as the voice of God and will be written in bold capital letters like THIS! The column will tell everyone WHAT THEY SHOULD DO!, WHAT THEY SHOULDN'T DO, HOW THEY SHOULD DO IT!, WHY THEY ARE NOT DOING IT PROPERLY!, WHY THEY ARE NOT DOING IT WELL ENOUGH, WHERE THEY ARE DOING IT WRONG, WHY THEY NEED TO STOP DOING IT RIGHT NOW!, and the column will even toss in a bit of advice like TWELVE BIBLE RECIPES FOR LEFTOVER LIVER.  I think this column could be a real hit with the younger set who have never heard the voice of God before or who did not grow up with a Methodist mother.  

The Column of Compliments
     In our politically correct world, men often struggle now with the proper technique and etiquette for giving compliments to women, lest they be sued or beaten over the head with a Vera Bradley purse.  Here I'll offer the best lines and the best places to say them.  Lines like:  "That's a lovely dress you're wearing . . . my wife has one just like it", "You know, you have beautiful eyes . . . they remind me so much of my mother's" or "I'm not ogling you . . . I'm just thinking about my wife's upcoming hernia operation and how I can be most helpful around the house." 

Naturally, these are only a few of the ideas I have for columns.  There are over a hundred in my quiver, but these seem like the most likely candidates for success.  And, of course, I'd love to hear from my faithful readers.  Write to me any time or call my wife's cell phone to make sure I can talk.

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