See what I mean.
Sure, I could tell this young couple a bunch of bunk, but personal experience forbids it. As I begin to write this homily, I'm playing around with a few concepts similiar to the ones below. But I welcome comments and suggestions.
Friends, family, countrymen . . . lend me your wallets:
It was nearly twenty-eight years ago that my wife and I set out on this path called matrimony, and look at where it has taken us. Here, to a barn, where our daughter is leaving us for a handful of promises and a few appetizers that are displayed mainly on tiny, round crackers. Yes, I like those little water chestnuts wrapped in bacon fat while some of you might prefer the goose liver spread on those stale Triscuits . . . but my point is: today is not the main course.
Soon these two people will be diving into the full fare of marriage, complete with exotic fruits of passion and lots of other stuff that will bore the socks off 'em. We all know it ain't that big of a deal, but I've paid a bunch for this party, so indulge me for a few minutes, okay?
Sure, my wife could be up here with me, and she could tell you things about me that would make you scratch your head and wonder: "Is he sane?" She could also relate incidents and incidentals that would curl your nostril hair. And later, over by that punch bowl full of lime sherbert, if you ask her kindly, she will probably be glad to tell you that I'm a fantastic lover who gets to the job done . . . and quickly, I might add.
But you didn't come here today to learn about marriage from a guy like me. You came to hear me talk about what I've learned about marriage from my wife, who is the linchpin in this partnership, a woman who still turns heads and who, even when she's dressing down, looks good from all angles. Every good thing about my daughter comes from her, and all of the other remarkable traits that my daughter possesses makes me wonder what I was doing the night she was conceived. I really don't remember, but it must have been an incredible experience for my wife.
Now I stand here offering my words of wisdom, which come directly from God and which, as they pass through the reverb setting on this sound equipment, sound very authoritative, don't they? I imagine this is how God must have sounded on Mt. Sinai, or at least how Charlton Heston must have sounded in the out-takes of The Ten Commandments before the took out that really big staff of his.
So, what I really want to say is . . . you will be blessed. I'm not joking here. Your pantry will be stuffed in no time if you work hard and save lots of money by switching to Geico. You'll some day have a house and everything. You will mow a yard, plant flowers, and in a few years fall into patterns of behavior that will border on the insane. Your love will be proven by the fact that you won't stab each other with serated steak knives. Perhaps you will have children, but not too soon . . . your mother and I want some time to travel and recuperate from this mess before we begin the new cycle of diaper changing.
Soon, of course, Becky will be changing my diaper.
We will throw another party when this occurs. There will be snacks on crackers. And I promise there will be something stronger than lime sherbert in the punch bowl at this future event.
Thank you for attending this black tie affair. I look forward to seeing some of you at my funeral.
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