Haiku Biography

Last week I received an email from an editor who requested my author photo and a twenty-five word biography to go with my article. Twenty-five words? How can I summarize a life as full and audacious as mine in twenty-five words? NOT!

Actually, I'm glad this editor requested such a short bio. I never know what to write in these crazy things . . . but I'm always eager for an opportunity to tell the truth about myself. So, I sat down this week and spun out these various biographical haikus. Next time an editor writes for a twenty-five word tag-line biography . . . I'll be ready.

(And for those of you who don't know, a haiku is a Japanese poetic form consisting of a total of 17 syllables, three lines, with 5-7-and 5 syllables respectively per line. Go ahead . . . count 'em . . . you know you are curious!)

TODD'S BIOGRAPHICAL HAIKUS

Todd Outcalt is a

Warped and frustrated writer

Who is a loser.

He lost his marbles

Before he lost his virgin-

ity to Becky.

He has lost at life

And drives a fleet of crap cars.

Wanna buy one, now?

Although he has made

Many books, none have been any

good . . . so help me, God!

No one reads his books

And they sit on dusty shelves

Like dog poop on curbs.

Amazingly, though,

You want to publish this piece:

Another loser.

And for this, he says,

"Thank you!" You made his freakin'

day accepting him.

Writing My Weight Loss

Okay, now this is getting weird. Over the past two weeks I've had several people ask me questions like: "Hey, haven't you lost weight?" or "At your age, how do stay in shape?" or "Are you really going to try and lift that?" One guy at the gym last week, a complete stranger, thought I was insane for working out at 6 a.m. after hiking six miles the day before.

But here's the deal. Yes, I've lost about five pounds in a week. Yes, I am going to lift that much. And yes, I still do it despite having two bad knees and a torn rotator cuff in my right shoulder. At long last I'm actually beginning to see evidence of my six-pack again. I now have a two pack, and making progress.

A couple of weeks ago, my son set up a makeshift gym in our garage complete with bench, squat rack, pull-down, dip and pullup unit, and lots of torturous-looking barbells and dumbbells. Sometimes I work out with him, kicking his scrawny little butt in the 95-degree heat that settles into the garage like a blast furnace. But hey, when you sweat, you lose weight, and as they say, "No pain, no gain."

Because I've been so inspired to keep pumping the iron of late, I've also resurrected a couple of fitness articles which I've sent out to editors in Canada and California. Writing doesn't burn many calories. But some time I'll have to do some research and figure out how many calories one could burn from writing, say, a blog like this.

Might be interesting to know how many blogs I'd have to write in order to lose a pound.

Contact!

July 4 & 5 was work for me. I spent a great deal of time both days writing cover letters, sending emails, and returning some phone calls to various editors and publishing insiders. I was amazed at how many people actually were "in the office" on Monday, July 5. They were probably there to relax, but some bozo like me had to ruin their respite by sending in material.

My various contacts trellised the world, too. I had email responses from people in New York city, Indianapolis, and Chicago, and for the first time ever, I sent writing queries to editors in Australia and Canada. This is one of the great benefits, I suppose, of the new digital age. A writer doesn't have to use the postal service to send material for publication. Indeed, the whole world is now at one's fingertips.

I don't expect to receive favorable responses from all of these editors, but it will be fun playing the waiting game.

Even though I use computers, however, I'm still very much old school when it comes to communication. I would much rather meet face-to-face. I wouldn't want to go back to the days of the old switch board operator, but if we had an operator named "Sarah", I might just make it work.

"Hello, Sarah, can you patch me through to Australia?"

Writer's Block

Many people want to know: "Do you ever suffer from writer's block?"

Well, I'm not sure what this is, exactly . . . there's never been a time when I couldn't write something. But writer's block, I suppose, could also be evidenced in those times when writers suffer from uncertainty, depression, or even a sense of lackluster. I think I may be going through one of these times. I'm writing . . . some days I'm actually writing a great deal of material . . . but right now my focus is off center, my level of concentration seems reduced, and most of my writing (with the exception of some of the humor I've written of late) doesn't have the spark that I'm looking for. I don't have to have an editor to tell me this. I can see it when I read my work, and I can "hear" the lack of pace and persuasion in the words.

Ah, but here's the thing. This too shall pass. It always does.

The secret is to keep writing. Keep pounding keys. Keep rising early and working late and don't stop believin'. (Hey, isn't that a hokey song from the 80s?) Good Lord, I must be losing my mind if I'm writing cliches.

Thoughts on the 700 Club

Please allow me to share some thoughts on being a part of the 700 Club . . . and no, I'm not talking about the Pat Robertson TV show (although if I did share some thoughts about Pat it would only be to say that Pat Robertson is an even bigger 8-Ball than I am). No, I'm talking about the fact that this is my 700th blog entry for Between Pages.

Now, as a reader and writer, this little blog represents a great many things, and some of these thoughts can be helpful to other readers and writers . . . so bear with me.

First, as I do some quick calculations: with an average blog entry of 250 words (which is, probably, quite a low estimate), I have written some 175,000 words through this blog alone. Some of you may feel that this is 175,000 words too many, and I understand, but for the person who considers me witty or enjoys my borderline insanity or my thoughts on books, writers, writing, publishing, teenagers, marriage or sex . . . well, thanks for reading some of this output.

Secondly, people are always asking me: since you work long hours as a pastor, how do you have time to write? The answer to this question is found partly in this blog. Consider, for example, that the average novel or book is around 80,000 words. This means that I've written a book each year through this blog. Or, in other words, if I wanted to, I could turn out one book a year (EASY BEEZY JAPANESEE) just writing short 250 words entries every day--a work that takes me, sometimes, all of ten minutes to produce. So my answer would be, anyone who has fifteen minutes a day can write at least one book a year, if that person writes EVERY DAY WITHOUT FAIL. And since I write at least an hour a day, without fail, I should be able to at least WRITE four books a year. Are you with me, algebra brains?

Finally, this blog does represent bits and pieces of other, eventually-published work. I often find myself going back and culling out sections of my blogs for other articles, humor pieces, magazine articles that I write about marriage or sex (my favorite subject!) or works that I produce about the art of writing or thoughts on the publishing industry. My blog also has produced some sections of books that have been written or that I plan to write.

So you see . . . this blog is a tool. In many ways, it's my warm-up writing exercise for the day. I usually draft this blog in the wee hours of the morning or late at night before I turn in to bed. Any serious writer needs the daily practice of putting words to paper (or in this case, into cyberspace) and without the daily tedium and grind of fumbling and sorting words, a writer can't grow and learn. I'm still learning, still improving, I hope.

Who knows, this blog might even reach a few new readers today. And I do hope you'll keep reading as I blog toward 1000 entries.

Writing From Scraps

Yesterday Becky noticed a cluster of paper scraps that I had taped to the front of our kitchen cabinets. "What's all this stuff?" she asked. "What does 'Rearview Mirror' and 'In Case of Emergency' mean?"

"Oh," I said, "those are some articles, essays or humor ideas I am hoping to work on."

"How do you remember what your notes mean . . . and more importantly, why do you have to stick them here on the cabinets?"

"Well," I admitted, "I don't always remember what my notes mean. Some of the ideas come to me in the middle of the night and sometimes I write down an idea while I'm driving or mowing. And as to the reason why I stick the notes on the cabinets . . . it's because I want to."

End of story.

Or, perhaps the beginning.

My Romance Invitation

This morning, while eating breakfast at a local restaurant, I received a verbal invitation to speak at a romance writers support group. In particular, the interest was on my sharing the "ins" and "outs" of professional writing and publishing. This intrigues me, but I wonder: what, exactly, would I say to a group of romance writers concerning professional writing and publishing?

But just in case, I've been honing my speech.

Ladies and Gentleman Romance Writers, I stand before you today because I am an expert in the art and artistry of love. My wife can attest to this. When we did the Dingo Dance two years ago, she told me I did a great job and wrote me a note of thanks some days later on very fancy stationery. Often, while other men are at a loss for words, I can whisper sweet nothings like, "Great corn on the cob tonight" or "Love the way you spread that mulch" and get sexual favors in return. I also write great love poetry, stuff that can make my wife swoon or make her want to go to bed early and get an extra hour of shut-eye. Sometimes, while I am writing, say, an article about Hungarian meatballs, or an essay about men's hair coloring, my wife will come up behind me and whisper, "Did you wrap the leftover salmon in foil, and would you like to try some Saranwrap foreplay?" Naturally, I did wrap the salmon, as I hate to waste a great piece of fish. As you can see, my expertise in the romance area is legendary, and I write romance because I have so much of it to give. When my wife and I married more than twenty-five years ago, she told me she loved the way I "did it." I considered this a compliment, and have continued waxing the kitchen floors ever since. Someday in the near future, I plan to ask her what she meant by "doing it." I have a hunch, but must wait for verification. Now, as I speak to you today about romance writing, I can only say that you must write from personal experience and from what your mother told you about sex. If your mother didn't tell you about sex . . . you're screwed. Sorry about the double-entendre. And if you don't know what double-entendre is, you'll never make it as a romance writer. I do thank you for inviting me and for your willingness to receive the benefits of my many years of romance experience. And for those of you who need more information, please see me after the meeting today. I'll give you my mother's phone number.