Striking Out

I can strike out with the best of them.  Sometimes, I get called out before the third strike.  Sometimes I don't even get off the bench. 

Take bookstores, for example.  Whenever I visit other cities (such as Denver, Portland, and Seattle last week), I walk into bookstores from time to time and ask if they have any books by Todd Outcalt.  Most of the time the proprietor or manager will fumble around in a computer database for a few minutes and then say, "No, we have no titles by this idiot on our shelves, but we can order these lousy books for you."

Of course, I don't want to order one of my own books.  I point out that no one ever orders any of these books.  Sometimes I tell the manager, "Oh, I was just curious.  I would have signed the books if you had copies."

They always try to figure out what I mean by this:  a guy walking off the street wanting to scribble willy-nilly in books.  Frequently they call security or press a button that sets off a screaming alarm.  I run and somersault over the turnstile into the street.  It's hell trying to sign books, believe me.  One of these days, I might go to jail after asking a manager to locate my titles.  I no longer carry an ink pen with me into these stores, as I get dirty looks from the personnel. 

Soon, there will be no more bookstores.  I won't have to worry about signing copies of books that no longer exist.  Believe me, it is extremely difficult to sign a Kindle copy of a book, or a digital database.  I once offered to leave my fingerprint on the glass face of someone's Nook.  The offer was not received well and the woman nearly beat me unconscious with a purse that seemed to contain several rocks.

I'm striking out on book signings these days.  And the time is surely coming when memory of book signings will fade from human consciousness.  Authors like me will be signing people's arms in tattoo ink, or performing body-piercings in intimate locations to leave our marks.  I've been practicing on the cat.  The feline is old and doesn't seem to care.

In the event that anyone out there still wants to read a book . . . I do have several I could sign.  I can sign my own name or any name of your choosing.  But if not, don't worry.  I'm used to striking out.