My Writing Space #5

Soon people will be able to see many of Stephen King's books on his interactive web site. But for now, you can see mine.

Here are most of my published works, including books in Chinese, Korean, and Portuguese. Why some have been translated, I don't know . . . . People read Mr. King's books. These are the only existing copies of mine!

Mr. King creates imaginative titles for his books, such as The Tommyknockers, The Shining, and The Green Mile. I might as well have numbered my books and titled them, Here's Number one, Here's Number Two, etc.

Mr. King goes on twelve city book tours sponsored and paid for by his publisher. I, on the other hand, had to drive to both of my book signings, and the manager had forgotten to order the books . . . so I ended up shaking hands with the three people who showed.

Mr. King has had a long-standing practice of signing any books his fans send to him, if they include return postage. I, too, follow this sacred practice. I live on 700 N. in Brownsburg and if people don't want to mail my books to me, they can chuck them out the car window as they drive by. I have a large ditch.

My Writing Space #4

Mr. Stephen King will soon have his interactive web site up and running. You may visit his home office. But first, please have a look at mine.



Mr. King has many writing awards on his wall: autographs from famous actors who have graced his films. I have a blank wall.



Mr. King's wall is loaded with photographs of him standing shoulder-to-shoulder with celebrity and power. My wall is a sad indication of the total empiness of my life, the sheer barrenness of my existence, the complete and utter despair I experience each time I sit down to write.



Mr. King drinks coffee while he writes. So do I.

My Writing Space #3

Very soon, Stephen King will be posting photos of his home office on his interactive web site. But for now, I invite you to take a gander at my space and see how our offices compare.

Mr. King will be showing photographs of his many paintings and writing awards. I, on the other hand, still have a blank canvas, as you can see. This canvas has been sitting in my office on the easel for sixteen months. I intend to paint it some day and hang it over our mantel in the great room.

My hope has always been that I could paint my wife in the nude, but she tells me I will have to settle for painting slugs and other invertebrates. I paint wonderfully with my hands (as I learned in Kindergarten) and this method has served me well.

Mr. King has million dollar paintings in his office (Picasos, Rembrandts and such). I, on the other hand, have a canvas from Hobby Lobby.

Mr. King has posters of his many movies, cameo appearances, and screenplay awards. My wife once gave me a birthday card that said I was the greatest, but that was twelve years ago, and there has been a lot of water flow under the bridge since then. I recycled the card and used it to take out the coffee grounds.

Mr. King has a wall of fame. I have a twenty dollar easel.

My Writing Space #2

Since Stephen King is still going to create an interactive web site featuring his writing space, I couldn't resist beating him to the punch. Obviously, Mr. King has a great office in which to write and he is both neat and efficient. I, on the other hand, am a slob, as you can see.

My filing cabinet is filled with hanging files. These files are filled with dozens/hundreds of essays, short stories, book proposals, and other rejections, as well as book contracts and writing agreements. The piles on top of my filing cabinet are my notes, photocopies, and assorted books that I am using to write yet another book (which is scheduled for publication in early 2009).

Mr. King has a personal secretary who helps him sort notes and conduct research. He also has a secretary who can answer the phone and field multi-million-dollar calls and offers from Hollywood and New York. I have a dog who pukes on the couch when I am away from home and doesn't budge when the phone rings. My cell phone records voice mails from angry editors.

Mr. King has an immaculate filing system. I am still searching for the combination to a padlock I purchased in 1978 so I can ride my bicycle.

Mr. King has a filing cabinet loaded with book deals and movie rights. My filing cabinet contains book contracts that have enabled me to buy more floppies and half a ham sandwich.

I read Mr. King's books. Mr. King does not read my blog.

Come visit me tomorrow in my office, I have more junk to show you!

My Writing Office #1

A few days ago I visited Stephen King's web site and noted that he will soon have an interactive page that will allow readers to visit his home office and see the various artifacts and awards that he has gathered around him as he writes. I thought I would beat him to the punch and allow others to see what kind of space I write in, and how vastly different our spaces are. So, here's the first of my photos.

Here you see my writing space. The computer is a twelve year old Compaq with an old floppy drive. The monitor is about shot, and often, as I am writing, it shorts out, smolders for a few minutes in a purple haze of ozone scent, and then, after a gentle pounding, blazes forth again. I have written a dozen published books on this machine and have plans to write more if it doesn't burst into flame. As you can see, I have many floppies. Nearly a hundred of them, in fact. These are loaded with book proposals, short stories, essays, manuscripts in various phases of production, and ideas that I hope to work on in the future.

My space is a mess. Stephen King cleans his work space daily and buys a new computer every year. I feel that, on a good day, I've accomplished a lot if I don't end up with second degree burns on my upper torso. I have no idea how many hours I've spent in front of my little faded monitor, but I keep hoping that I can get one more book out of it before it goes to that great electrical recycling bin in the sky. I have been saying this for over a decade.

Stephen King has a top-of-the-line computer. I have a piece of junk.

Stephen King doesn't use floppies. That's the only digital storage I have.

Stephen King is a multi-million dollar writer. My books earn enough for me to buy a sandwich now and then.

Stephen King is a household name. I often misspell my own name.

Stephen King has a fantastic web site. I have a blog.

Thanks for visiting my office . . . please come back tomorrow.

Writing Notes

This week I settled down to write notes, cards and letters to a long list of friends, relatives, and associates. It's something I try to do every year before school begins and our family, school, and work schedules go haywire and I find myself eating, driving, talking, and working . . . all at the same time.

Writing these notes always challenges me in good ways. I must stop, think, and consider what I want to say to people I care about.

But my wife is always the toughest. What do I say to a woman I've known since age fourteen? What do I write to the mother of my children? I find my letters to my wife are just too businesslike, even as we approach out twenty-fourth anniversary. They always go something like this . . . .

To Whom It May Concern:
It has recently come to my attention that we have been married for twenty-four years. During this time, this association has produced some marvelous results. It is my hope that our mutual association has been beneficial to us both, and I hope that our good relations may continue to grow exponentially into a third decade of profits.

Thus far our pension funds have grown faster than the S&P 500 Index, and your contributions to the bottom line have been much appreciated. The two junior partners have also helped, but one is now due for a promotion. However, I not looking to take on another junior partner at this time!

Please receive this letter as official invoice for services rendered from 1985 to the present. I trust that the next quadrennium will produce much the same results and that the cafeteria plan and other full benefits will continue unabated and that profit margins will continue rise per our agreement.

Yours truly,
Outcalt Incorporated

More Benji

Last night, during the Olympics, I read another fifty pages of the biography, Benjamin Franklin: An American Life. My impression of Benji hasn't changed much (based on other bios of read about him). For a guy who looked like my aunt Hazel in a bad powdered wig, he sure did get around with the ladies. Seems like every few years, he was switching horses (my phrase, not Benji's).

I'm not sure that many of our founding "fathers" knew all that much about fidelity. Benji seemed to have a woman in every port and even by the time he became ambassodor to France (he was an old man by then) his prowess with the fairer sex was legendary.

Personally, if I ever go to France, I'm going with my wife. I'm not wearing a powdered wig. I'm wearing my own hair. I'm going to show my wife a good time.

This is going to happen in 2028! I hope my wife can hold out for a few more years.