Saturday, February 8, 2014

The Olympic Spirit

It occured to me last night during the opening ceremony of the Olympics . . . that these late nights could actually be quite productive.  Having recently signed a contract to write another BIG book, I'm now going to have to burn the midnight oil for months in order to produce another 100,000 word manuscript.  But I'm already well on my way . . . thanks to the Olympics.  One can, after all, watch only so much curling or luging.  And when it comes to ice skating, I can only take about five minutes of toe-loops and triple axels.  As soon as I hear Scott Hamilton say, "Oh, she missed that triple-salchow and only did a double!  That's going to cost her points with the judges . . ." I'm back to the keyboard.

Still, the Olympics do compel me to compete.  So, in that spirit, I've been thinking about some titles I could write.  I wonder if I could find a publisher for any of these?

Curlying in Cinema
     This title will explore the variety of Curlys throughout cinematic history, beginning with Moe, Larry and Curly.  I'll also explore the rise of Shemp as this juxtoposition lead to the Dairy Queen curl and women's curling under the blowdryer.  The book will also explore the influence of Shirley Temple's curls on women's hairstyles and how styles have changed through the years in cinema, leading up to this year's Oscars and the impact of the Justin Bieber curl.

So . . .You Want to Luge
     The only Olympic sport that EVERYONE believes he/she could do, luging is fast becoming the most popular sport in Indiana, where people are now building luge tracks in their back yards.  This title will explore the connection between luging and the 57% rise in Emergency Room visits.  A handy appendix in the back of the book (including an actual appendix removed from a healthy 45-year old female pole dancer) will illustrate how to built your own luge out of discarded Gremlin auto parts.

Ice Skating Terminology Made Easy
     Everyone will want to keep a copy of this book close at hand during the Olympics.  With its handy alphabetized reference guide, this title will explain terms like Axel (which is where skaters attempt to jump in the air and land without breaking the pelvis) and Salchow (which is a Scandanavian term meaning, "this guy should be a bartender instead of jumping on the ice").  Professional skaters, as well as those who skate at Rhonda's Rumpus Rink, will want to own a copy.  The book will also contain tips on how to break your opponent's ankle with a cast iron rod (known as a "Gillooly") and how to influence the judges' voting (a "bribe").  

Is Hockey for Real?
     This title will become a cult favorite due to its graphic core and blood-n-guts photo plates.  Based on expert interviews and excerpts taken from conversations between players and coaches, we'll see how hockey is directly related to boxing and is a legalized version of assault and battery.  Team doctors will reveal how players are kept alive through intravenous Gatorade drips, including a few corpses who are still skating (but the leagues won't admit it).  The book will also include favorite quotes from Don Rickles, who described everyone he met as a "Hockey Puck!" 

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