Foreign Correspondent

Next week, while in Central America, I have a writing and photography assignment.  My goal: to uncover the truth behind the adage that 4 out of 5 dentists surveyed prefer Trident gum.  Dangerous, yes . . . but someone on this trip is going to have to go without brushing and flossing for ten days, and I guess that's me. 

To secure my place in journalistic history, I'll be carting along my handy-dandy 300 dpi snap-n-shoot Nikon and, from time to time, whipping out my pocket notebook in which I will scribble indecipherable citations that, later, will require the aid of an English translator.  I'll be writing down questions like:

Why did that taco make me puke and should I be concerned about the worms?
Will I meet Juan Valdez if I visit a coffee plantation?
Can I really save 40% by switching to Geico?
Should I have puked on my only pair of boots?

As you can see, my research will require deep thoughtfulness and an itchy camera-finger.  I may actually use up my entire supply of film.  I mean, I'll be shooting that many pictures in an attempt to capture that one elusive image of diphtheria. 

I do hope to return to the states a happier and wiser person, however.  I expect to lose weight while I am abroad . . . most of it in my hips and bust.  I may also purchase a Volvo.

I also expect that, upon my return to the airport in Indianapolis, my wife will be overjoyed to see me again.  I expect her to send me a text upon my arrival informing me that she will be forty minutes late and that, if I am hungry, I could purchase a taco at Q'boda.  Later, at home, after forcing me to shower and shave, she will suggest that we make love some time in mid-February after the ice melts. 

Of course, these correspondent fantasies never play out as well in reality as in the mind, so I hope the World Series will be in full swing the night of my return.  That's the only way I will hit a home run.  And afterwards, I shall retire to the dark room in the basement to develop my film.