Thursday, April 12, 2012

How to Pick Up Women

Some time back I picked up a copy of one of John Updike's oldest short story collections:  Museums & Women.  These early stories demonstrate the escalating talent evidenced in Updike's younger years with themes oscillating between art, paleontology, and various ways to pick up women.  (Art museums being a prime location to meet 'em.)

Fortunately, I've always had ample talent when it comes to picking up women--and that's why I've been picking-up Becky for the past 35+ years.  Let me share my pick-up expertise.

First, a man should grab a woman's right calf with his right hand, and then, before she can protest, place his left hand at the center of her upper back.  Bending slightly at the knees, the guy should then lift, balancing the woman on his palms, and then press her overhead in a swift movement of strength.  This is what is commonly known as "picking up a woman."  She may squeal, but if a man persists with the method he can usually do military presses using the weight of her heft.

IMPORTANT NOTE:  It is imperative that this procedure NOT be performed unless the man can actually press considerable weight over his head.  It is suggested that he practice this "pick up" move, first with small domestic animals like dogs and cats, and then as he gains strength, with barnyard animals such as goats or pot-bellied pigs.  Also, if he hears a snapping sound in his own back, he should immediately cease the "pick up" move and visit a chiropractor.  If the pain in his back continues, he should call his wife from the hospital emergency room and ask her to drive over and pick him up. 

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