Monday, April 29, 2013

What My Momma Never Told Me About Marriage

In recent months I've made a deal with myself (and a publisher) to write several articles about marriage.  I'm now in process of developing these essays while  hearkening back to the days when I wrote a regular column at For the Bride magazine and also contributed to the larger Bride's and Bridal Guide rolling stock which were often featured at grocery checkout lines.

Long story about these new essays, but I now have to develop some snappy themes--and probably more than a few that will feature phrases like "Hot Sex" or "Eighty-seven Positions Your Father Never Knew Existed and If You Tried 'Em They'd Put You in Traction".

So, as you can see, I have my work cut out for me.

My wife, in particular, always wants to know, "What can you possibly contribute to the vast trove of marital information that has already been proffered by Dr. Ruth and that guy who wrote the Love Languages book?"

She has a point.  Nevertheless, I'm a writer (purportedly) and it is my duty to dispense my marital expertise to the less-learned and the bored.  Toward that end, here are a few of the essay titles and themes that I've been considering.  Love to hear what you think of 'em.

Five Honeymoon Hotspots Located Less than Five Miles from Where You Work:  How to Find Overnight Lodging at a Denny's Near You

Your First Night Alone:  What to Expect, What to Do, and When to Tweet Your Mother for Instructions

How to Cash in On Your Wife's Diamond:  Pawning it Quickly for Cash and How to Replace it with a Perfect Cut-Glass Replica

Mountain Dew Honeymoon: How Many 2-Liters You're Gonna Need . . . and Why

Why Reading All of My Articles on Hot Sex Isn't Gonna Help You: One Man's Amazing Sexual Odyssey and How He Tricked His Wife into Two Conceptions Over the Course of Thirty Years.

Boiling Hot:  Why You'll Prefer Tea to Sex by the Time You're My Age

Simmering Hot:  Why a Hot Tub is Preferred Over Sex . . . and Three Ways to Cook a Rotisserie Chicken While You're Bubbling

Too Hot To Handle: Seven Marital Recipes that Involve Food So Spicy You'll Think You've Died and Gone to Mexico

Scorching Hot:  Sexual Exploits I Can't Even Mention in a Magazine that Sells Women's Thongs and How to Ask Your Wife if She's Ever Heard of 'Em (and if She'd Try 'Em)  


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