Dear Toddy

As I kid I recall reading "Dear Abby" and thinking, "I wish I could write a column."  Now that Dear Abby is dead--and we shall miss her--I thought I would pull out some of the letters that have come my way . . . and finally offer my advice.

Dear Toddy,
I like to read . . . but this was before I bought your book.  It made me puke.  What do you think of this?
Signed: Dissatisfied

Dear Dissatisfied,
According to Hints from Heloise, you should use sawdust and carpet cleaner on that puke. 

Dear Toddy,
I hear you have a smokin' hot wife but you preach abstinence.  Is there any connection?
Signed: Confused

Dear Confused,
My wife is the one who preaches abstinence.  And yes, since she's married to me, there is a connection. 

Dear Toddy,
I often steal good books from the library, as I cannot afford to buy them.  However, I have been returning your books without reading them.  Can you help me with my kleptomania?
Signed: Bookworm

Dear Bookworm,
The answer is simple:  buy more of my books.

Dear Toddy,
You seem to be infatuated with your wife even though you've been married for nearly thirty years.  What is the secret to your marital success?
Signed: Sport

Dear Sport,
Have you tried Vicks Vapo-Rub?

Dear Toddy,
I've been told you never sleep.  Is this true?
Signed: Somnambulist

Dear Somnambulist,
News of my sleepwalking has been highly exaggerated.

Dear Toddy,
What is a somnambulist?
Signed: Superannuated

Dear Superannuated,
Really?