Book Signings

And so it begins. (Lord of the Rings quote from The Two Towers in case you don't know.)

Yes, I'm beginning to get the calls . . . Will you do a book signing at Annual Conference? Can you sign books after you speak to our group? How about doing a book signing in June? Well . . . okay, since you insist.

But actually, I don't relish book signings. It's often one of the most depressing experiences a writer can have. Especially when no one shows up at the signing and the writer just sits behind the little desk peering over the top of a pile of books that no one will buy . . . not then, not ever. Oh, every now and again someone will amble over, perchance, and say something like: "So, you're a writer, huh?" or "Hey, the guy on this book looks like you!" or "Did you really write this?" or "How much did it cost you to get this printed?" or (my favorite) "Someday, when I have a free afternoon, or it's raining or something, I'm going to write a book."

God save me.

I even had a book signing one time when, after an hour of sitting by myself in a Borders, my wife ambled over, looking lost and lonely, pretending she didn't know me at all, and whispered as she whisked past, "Do you care if I buy some shoes at Target that are on sale?" I thought she was going to make me a better offer than that, but that's the way it goes, these signings. A writer can't even get a proposition from his wife. Just more shoes.

The more book signings I schedule, the more depressed I become. I'd like to believe I might meet an adoring public, but the truth is, there won't be any public at all.

Foreword

Some years ago, I heard a writer say, "You know you have arrived when the publisher hires someone to write a 'Foreword' to your book." Well, I don't know about that, but later this fall I will have a third book published in 2009. And that book will have a Foreword written by an expert . . . and expert touting me, and my ideas, and my book. It's all so mesmerizing.

I read the Foreword for the first time last week, and it goes something like this:

Mr. Outcalt has written the quintessential book for youth ministry in our time. This book is the greatest thing since bread was sliced and cut into little cubes for communion. The ideas you'll find in these pages are so astounding . . . believe me, you'll pee your pants. You won't be able to contain yourself. After you read this book, people will want to commit you to a loony bin . . . you'll be that excited. And folks, I'm an expert. I've actually been committed!

But Mr. Outcalt needs your help. For a mere $12.95, you can help a starving writer like him earn a decent wage. Otherwise, he's hurling fries when he turns 65. Breaking your book purchase down, that's only 5 cents a page. That's right, for 5 cents a page you can help Mr. Outcalt purchase bare essentials like deodorant, a Sham-Wow, and perhaps one or two donuts. He needs your help. And surely, even a busy youth leader like yourself can spare a few nickels. Have you checked under the sofa cushions in the youth lounge?

So please, for the love of God . . . buy this book. I mean, look at the dude. He's languishing people. In a few years, he won't even be able to tie his own shoe laces or remember his middle name. So, won't you help? Don't make me call Sally Struthers. I know you can do it. Thank you.

From New York to California

Over the past two weeks I have received a fair amount of correspondence from people who have read something I have written (why they read my writing, I'll never know). For example, I received a nice letter from a lady in New York, NY who read a column I had written recently. She actually wrote of lovely things, flowery accolades that filled my brain with endorphins and made me feel rather good about myself. She lifted me out of the miry clay.

And a fair number of people have emailed or written to me saying they read a reflection I had written last month for The Upper Room devotional. How they noted my name in that tiny print is a miracle in itself.

And I also received an email from a friend in California who noted that my newest book was available on Amazon.com. How did you get on Amazon? she wanted to know. I didn't have the heart to tell her than everyone is on Amazon.com.

Oddly enough, I actually feel a bit embarrassed when people tell me that they have read something I have written, or they tell me they enjoyed one of my books. I don't know why I feel this way. But I always have.

Perhaps it goes back to my adolescence, when I got my start by writing on the bathroom stalls at the high school. All of my friends knew my work well (I was a cult hero). But I had to hide my identity from the administration. In many ways, I still feel like I'm in hiding. I'm not comfortable with success, and I always worry about what might happen if my old high school principal or my English teachers actually read my work. "That idiot!" they'd say. "How does he have the audacity to show his face in public? This stuff belongs on bathroom walls!"

My New Book

I have two new books. The first, Your Beautiful Wedding on Any Budget, was to be published May 1, but the publisher was able to get it into circulation a bit early. I'm grateful to the wonderful people at Sourcebooks for giving me this opportunity to write a book that can benefit brides (especially those who desire to create a debt-free wedding). I thank Shana and Deborah and everyone at Sourcebooks who saw the promise in this title. It's a beautifully published book, if I do say so myself.

Helping brides and grooms to have a debt free wedding today is a difficult task. The average wedding in America (including reception) now tops the charts at a whopping $28,000. This is average!

Heck, when Becky and I got married twenty-five years ago (we do have our 25th wedding anniversary this summer) we had a very simple ceremony. The greatest cost consisted of the rented tuxedos and my wife's wedding dress (which she only wore the one time, but don't get me started on that waste of money). And our reception was held in the church fellowship hall and included nothing for the guests but cake and punch (and it was probably Betty Crocker and High-C). Our honeymoon consisted of driving across country in a rattletrap car to Myrtle Beach, for one day only, as I had to return to Duke the following Monday and begin paying out huge boatloads of money for tuition.

Total cost for our wedding. . . I don't even want to mention how absolutely CHEAP it was. And now I get to pass along my financially-savvy wisdom to other brides and grooms who are totally out of control.

Hope they buy my book. It WILL save them a lot of money and heartache if they do. And I'm convinced it will save many couples from financial ruin.

The Writing Break

It's a fact: I sometimes run out of steam and cannot write. Or, to put it more accurately, I get so tired I just can't think well enough to write.

On Saturday, I decided to work outside and try to make the yard look like the plush, garden paradise you see on the left. But, in fact, our house and property is more akin to sophisticated "white trash" . . . and our property looks more like the scene on the right.

One thing is for sure. I burned calories. I lost weight. I am officially wasting away inside this thin emaciated shell of a he-man body. I'm tired. And now it is time to sabbath.

And with sabbath rest comes a renewed energy for late night writing sessions . . . and I'm going to have to step into that sandbox more frequently as the year presses on. And some day, I'm going to earn enough to buy myself a new car.

Beautiful Experiments

It's been a few weeks since I read a new book, but I did enjoy The Ten Most Beautiful Experiments, by George Johnson. This book appealed to me on several levels. First, it was not written by a pastor, theologian, or religious person . . . so I was not bored out of my skull when reading it. Second, it is a fascinating glimpse into ten great scientific leaps, discoveries that were made through experimentation.

Just a few of the names you'll encounter here: Galileo, Newton, Pavlov, and Millikan. They created great scientific experiments that changed the course of knowledge and helped to bring humanity out of superstition and darkness.

But we all have our own experiments, too, I suppose. For example, did you know that if you combine a can of Lima beans with a can of sweet corn niblets you end up with a rather good suckatash dish? Or, did you know that common household bleach works just as well as those fancy toilet bowl cleaners that cost four-times as much? Or did you know that if you leave a pile of dirty laundry on a tile floor for three weeks, it will actually grow mold? And, did you know that the Sham-Wow is available at Wal-Mart and CVS, so you don't have to order it off the TV add, and they really can "do this all day!"

These are just a few of the discoveries I have made over the years . . . and I am happy to contribute to humanity in this way.

Writing Sermons

Writing yesterday's blog, it occurred to me that when people ask me about writing (particularly other pastors) they may really be asking: "How do you have time to write anything other than a sermon each week?"

Well, now that's a legit question. Allow me to give a demented answer.

My sermon prep is a lot like brewing a pot of coffee. First, I clean out the old grounds (I dump last week's message out of my brain . . . and I do this every Sunday at 12:15 p.m.). Out with the old, in with the new. Then I add a new filter to make a new pot (I begin doing this Sunday at 12:16 p.m. on the drive home from church). Then, at various stages during the week, I add fresh coffee, add water, turn the little light on, wait a spell, and then add cream and take a sip to see how it tastes. If I don't like the flavor, I add more cream, etc. until I can stand to drink what I've manufactured.

It's the same with a sermon . . . but with a few caveats.

Caveat one: Sometimes I dream a sermon (really!). I wake up, write the whole sucker down, and I've got the message. These are usually my worst messages. And if you've ever heard one of my sermons where you've said to yourself, "He must have been asleep when he wrote that one", well, I probably was.

Caveat two: Sometimes I mow a sermon. Same as above, but I get the sermon while riding the lawn mower. Maybe you've said to yourself, "He must have been inhaling grass when he wrote that sermon", well, I probably was.

Caveat three: Sometimes I receive a sermon directly from God. Well, it does happen. Maybe you have said to yourself, "He must have gotten that sermon from God, 'cause he certainly couldn't have written that one hisself!" Well, you are right.

Anyway, I do write sermons, too. And many of them I have already completed. I have them in a holding file in my mind years in advance. For example, believe it or not, I already have my Easter message completed (holding here in my mind) for 2010. My message will be entitled, "Don't be amazed!"

Isn't that amazing?